TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically known for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely out of place. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Indeed, certain, let us have Yet another location where by American Gentlemen can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: give Every person a set on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is smooth ability," said political Trump Tower Damascus strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he really should end employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the challenge, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from House, a element currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after getting the building's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "If You Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting awareness from Intercontinental buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where by my PTSD may have flip-down company."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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